Chapter 6

Chapter 6
June 21, 2016

     I haven't written for...well a long time. It is not because I don't have the time or due to a lack of experiences to write about. I have simply...lost the motivation. That makes me really sad actually. As of tomorrow I have precisely a month left. These last two months have flown by, probably faster than anything else in my life. I find myself frustrated. It was sad when the host mother is telling me that I don't go into Paris enough. I try to temper it with the realization that I have had school, or made the excuse that my primary focus is to be here for the family. While these things are true it still doesn't make sense why I don't go. I think a big part of it is that when I go into Paris I want to be gone all day. The only day I have off is Sunday. When I go into town I don't like the idea of having to come back at a certain time. I don't know if I know that Paris puts me on this sort of high and sometimes (because kids are kids) returning to the house is a screaming, dramatic, and somewhat negative crash. And I am letting that keep me from going to Paris.

     "Do one thing each day that scares you, even if it's a small thing," Rebecca challenged me after we had the conversation on her confusion as to why I didn't visit Paris more often (in which I deftly realized my deeply fear of getting hopelessly lost. She told me I was too smart and interested in art, culture, and history to be bothered by something so trivial. She said my French was too good to worry about being lost and that I had to go to Paris more often. I had to. (She was even kind enough to write out a list of 'must-see' attractions to guide me.) I am adding a few of my own, but I am going to go. I didn't come all this way to be holed up in a house by my own doing. I want to go to Disneyland by myself and I know that seems selfish, but I won't enjoy it if I have to cart around the children, but I think it may be a bit expensive for this time around.

     Another thing that was remarked on was that I have not had a negative/ rude experience thus far. There have been a few beggars who have been a bit pushy, but that happens wherever you go. Even in Paris. I went into a store on Sunday and talked with the saleswoman, got exactly what I needed and as I was checking out, she asked which part of France I was from because she couldn't pinpoint my accent. When I informed her that I was from the US, she was a bit surprised and informed me that my French was quite good. I needed that because I still feel lost when I speak/ listen. Most of the time I don't understand most of what people are saying but I understand enough to get the basic idea. So while I am very grateful for my family I often wish they spoke more French. The only time they really speak French is at school and since, like most children, they hate school and therefore don't like to speak French unless they have to. So that is yet another reason I need to get out of the house more. So while it was useful, I am glad to be out of class. Alas it means the children will be out of school soon so I have no idea how that is going to work out.

     I think I will truly enjoy "real" French life when I come back. I am still waiting on my contract but when I get it there is so much to put into motion. I will have to stay on top of things. So, starting tomorrow I am starting on my list and I am going to go and enjoy Paris. There is so much I still want to see and do. I have already seen and experienced so much. Luckily, I went to the Louvre before the flood. It was absolutely amazing. I walked around for 5 hours and I probably could have walked for five hours more. I rode on the Ferris wheel that is right on the Champs-Elysees and I had such a good time. Even though it was cloudy it was incredibly beautiful. I just wish it would stop raining so much because it makes it so difficult to enjoy the time when everyone is scurrying to get out of the rain and the whole "Paris in the rain" thing may be beautiful and even romantic were I capable of a relationship, but in my current state it is simply obnoxious.

     While I am sad that I will be leaving what feels like so soon there is also so much I have to look forward to. A little thing every day that scares me. It's easier said than done as the saying goes. However, I've made it this far. The first step was the scariest, so now all I have to do is keep putting one foot in front of the other.


-Alicia
7/13/ 2016

Chapter 5

Chapter 5
May 27, 2016

    




    Something amazing happens when you stop trying to be someone/ something else. When you give yourself permission to be who and what you are you simply...come alive. As a part of discussion with Dominique I practiced meta-cognition; I thought about the way I think. As a result I realized one of the reasons I am so anxious about speaking, why I am so so insistent the children speak to me in French when we are in public. It is much deeper than simply wanting to practice French. It is because this whole time I have been trying to pass as French, to be French. "But you are not French," the quiet voice in my head declares. I don't have to pass as French because I'm not French. I am an American in France and upon both realization and acceptance of this fact I felt a weight lifted from me. I gave myself permission to be who and what I am...and it is exhilarating because I have allowed myself to be fallible and that is a beautiful thing.

     I don't write very much anymore and it makes me sad. I have seen so much and there is so much I want to share, but so many other things seem to get in the way. I want to try and remedy this.

     I have been here for a little over a month. It's a weird feeling. I have discovered so much and yet there's so much left to see and do that I am overwhelmed. Huge cities are daunting to me. Especially when they are so steeped in historical significance that it becomes daunting, the idea of just how much there is. I am trying to take it in pieces. One day the Champs-Elysees, another the Eiffel Tower, another The Louvre. 

     In smaller bits, I love St. Germain-En-Laye. There is a market that occurs during the weekends. It's this glorious series of stalls and stands under tents where you can buy bread, belts, books, flowers, tomatoes the size of your face, and crepes with Speculoos (which is this sort of cookie butter and it is SO good). It is also how I discovered that French people apparently don't get complimented often and react strangely. It is kind of fun to make a grown man blush and stutter.

     I love it here. I am so happy here and it's such a peaceful happiness that I forget sometimes and then it hits me and I feel a warm and bubbly joy. Maybe, and this is sad, but being really, truly, and deeply happy is not something I have a lot of experience with so my brain can only process it in pieces. I kind of appreciate it. I am typically delighted by the little things, but there are so many "little things" that I think my mind siphons it off to departmentalize it so that later it hits me and my happiness just bubbles until it's hard to contain and I usually end up in happy giggles...much to the confusion of my host family or people around me.

     Then it makes me a bit sad because 1/3 of my time is over. While I will return in October, it's be different because I will be further from Paris, which I'm not entirely sure is a negative. Everything is exciting and everything is quiet.

-Alicia R. Farrar
July 7, 2016