Prologue

Prologue

     It's a story. It's always been a story. Not in the David Copperfield way...well maybe a bit like it in that I have never really felt like I've been my own protagonist, much less the hero. Well, not until recently and even that self-efficacy has its limits. There are days I feel a bit marooned or treading water with sharp inhales as the wave of circumstance (whether good or bad) wash over me. I have been through a few maelstroms to put it lightly. It has been a wretched decade in my life. I had always been fed this idea that my 20s were supposed to be the best years of my life. How did I spend them? Working with the same company, single, and going to school. I do not necessarily regret any of these attributes save for in pieces and certain details. That is perfectly fine. If my life and I didn't disagree at least a little bit then we wouldn't be in a very good relationship.

     A wise man once told me (and he is a whole different story) that if you have hit the bottom and feel like you have nothing, why not do the impossible. Of course I have never had nothing. I have never truly been without, but I definitely have had some hella low points. There were a specific two weeks after that job of my 20s was gone that I kind of...sank for a while. This is good too. When there is a death you are supposed to mourn. It has taken a long time and a lot of growing to allow myself things/ times like that, to realize that I need them. That I need people. I forget/ don't like admitting that sometimes. I have become very practical about myself and very honest with myself and it has been a struggle, but one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life. 

     I have learned to listen to that still small voice inside. It's the voice that said, "10 years is enough. You just need to go. You'll be just fine, but go. Your time here is done." It's the voice that said, "These people are toxic. Stop giving people who are terrible and do nothing but drag you down so many chances. Sometimes that empathy needs to be quiet because it can hurt more than help you. Balance it with logic. Letting go is good sometimes." It's the voice that said, "You are going to make it through this. This is a speed bump and because you have gone through this you are going to be able to help and reach out to people nobody else really can." It's the voice that said, "Shhh. You don't have to listen to all the voices in your head. The thousand questions and what ifs don't always have to be answered. It's ok to be anxious, to feel afraid, to panic, to not be able to keep up with your mind, to have to take deep breaths when you feel overwhelmed. This does not make you deficient." Naturally, I haven't always listened so sometimes the still small voice has follow-ups. "Of course that person hurt you. You are strong. You are not alone. You will hurt, but you will heal." Then the one that brought me to my current circumstances: "Well if you're not going to leave willingly I am going to force you out. There is something else you are supposed to be doing" and after the two weeks where it was difficult to even get out of bed, "Alright, you have your period of mourning, which is appropriate because this was a death in your life, but now you have a choice; you can continue to wallow in your misery and self-pity, or you can do what you have been called to since you were 14."

     So I am writing this from my room in France. It's a part of my dream. Since I was 14 it has been my dream to teach English in France and I am currently an Au Pair (it was very important to me to do the Au Pair because I wanted to understand French culture through the context of a family, improve my French, and live in the country before believing myself capable of teaching their children). An Au Pair is, essentially, a nanny. I help the family in whatever way I can. I have made food, helped with the dishes etc. It has been a whirlwind thus far, a proverbial crash course in my first time being out of the US. However, like any adventure I will chronicle my stories. However it is important that my readers know, it has been a long and difficult journey to get here, but I am so grateful. So I could be cliché and tell you to follow your dreams and when you hit the bottom that the only way is up and cite these things, but I think instead I'll send a different message to someone I wish could have heard it: So I will probably post to both here and Facebook (Facebook will likely be easier with the pictures) 

Dear 14 year old me,

You are not alone, worthless, unloved, useless, or stupid. There’s more to live for than you have yet to realize. I know it feels terrible right now, I validate your feelings, but I tell you that your perspective is limited. I wish I could tell you that life will be all downhill from here, but I can’t. Yes, there are terrible things that are going to happen in your life; Dad loses his job (a couple of times actually), you get cancer, you lose best friend after best friend (it’s not your fault, they were only meant to be in your life for a little while), and after years of school you can’t get a job with your degree. You get fired from a job you had for 10 years. All of these things happen, but you grow because of them and they teach you that you’re stronger than your circumstances.

Put down the razor. It may get worse, but I swear to you it also gets better. You know that dream you have buried deep down that everyone keeps telling you is impossible? The dream that scares you to speak aloud because every time you have all you hear is the naysayers telling you it’s never going to happen? Sure it takes you a while, but it happens. Where I am now I got on a plane and I am in France (yes, France it's OK I am freaking out too) and I am learning so much. I am being smart (that doesn't change) enough to do this in a way that will best benefit me in the long run, but brave enough to do exactly what you always hoped but never believed would happen. You get to live your dream and it would never have happened if all these bad things didn’t happen, if they didn’t shape you into being brave enough and strong enough to move past the fear. If you feel like you have nothing, why not do the impossible? I love you. It takes a while to realize, to accept, but I love you. You love you. You are loved.

So this blog will be a reflection of myself and my experiences; it may be a bit messy, a bit honest, maybe a bit crass, a bit ridiculous at times, but this is my dream, my life and I can't tell you how happy I am to finally be living it.

-Alicia R. Farrar